This is to the fellas. The other sex, the more emotional one has more of an excuse to use these things, and even then there’s always a limit. But dudes, I can’t believe I even have to write this.
Those in this perilous society who have been called to a higher standard of morality have long abhorred the evil of the smiley. While not spending the majority of our time carrying out meaningless conversations on the internet or text messaging, the careless use of smiley face has long gnawed at our entrails. But I’ve let it die. I have let the wound scab over so to speak, like the evil of pointy shoes, I’ve buried it. But I have not forgotten. And yesterday a brother, one that will have some of my children’s names, tore the wound wide open again. I was attacked for my stand on the issue, a vicious needless attack on my very character. So here I go, all guns blazing: The Thesis on the Necessity of Smiley Destruction to Preserve Life as we Know it, aka Death to Smileys.
I asked the Honorable Jeff Conheady what he would say, if needed, to defend his deep-felt hatred of the smiley faces. His response, while succinct, was poignant and telling. “Did Hemingway use smiley faces? How about Shakespeare? If you can’t get it into words then don’t bother.” Only the genius of the great Jeff Conheady can word such an argument so well.
People, please, I beg you, respond with something witty. Like HAHA. HAHA is wittier than a smiley. Because smileys are moronic. Smileys are in the same class as LOL. Smileys are juvenile (here’s a hint, if high school girls use them in 90% of their conversations then they’re probably not for you). Smileys killed Santa and my cat. You get the picture?
Sending a smiley is like saying “Hey, I don’t have the brain capacity to say anything intelligent, or even remotely interesting”. Sending a smiley is saying “I’m not too smart”. Smileys are also Phoenix Suns fans, and they are probably hockey fans too.
Seriously people, there’s nothing like a smiley to make a person lose respect. Sure there are some exceptions, like talking to your mother online. How many of you do that? I know I’m not your mother. Or maybe if you’re talking/texting your girlfriend. I know I’m not a girl, or your friend (especially if you send me one of those yellow globes of stupidity). And don’t even get me started on the exploding ones, or the ones that get red, or stick their stupid tongue out. I mean, it’s the classic slippery slope argument here.
First there’s casual relationships, next were marrying dudes to dudes, and next were probably marrying dudes to plants.
Sure they seemed harmless at first, but then surprise! They’re exploding on your page or sticking their tongues out at you. Next thing you know well have smiley faces tattooed on our foreheads to honor the new world order or something. I’m pretty sure Hitler was a smiley fan.
Call me a smiley hater. A smiley killer. A smilephobe. Whatever. I welcome the labels. At least I haven’t sold my soul to them.
Dudes, would you kiss another dude? Good, then don’t send me a smiley.
Are you sending a smiley to some girl??? She better have a ring on her finger.
Nothing says “I’m soft” like a smiley. Makes me think I’m talkin to a 14 year old girl. Yet in this feminized world were deceived constantly; role reversals, bra burnings, dodge-ball banning, self esteem, smiley use, I can go on forever.
In closing, keep your smiles to yourselves people. I never attacked no one, I just made it known that I wasn’t down. If you want to prostitute yourselves with those moronic, ludicrous, imprudent, dim-witted, obtuse smileys, that’s on you. But don’t lower me to your standards. The Dizzle is a smiley free Dizzle.
